It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
