I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
