I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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