sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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