i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
