Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
