new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
