You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
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When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
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I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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