every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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