Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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