he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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