I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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