1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
