Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do you still have your period?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
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Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
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If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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