apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
