She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
