I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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