she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
