a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
