My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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