I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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