i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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