1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
