I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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