I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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