my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I can't put those talents on a resume
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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