I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
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did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
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They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.