Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.