There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
