i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
