Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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