me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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