Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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