Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
