It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize