I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize