i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
