I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
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i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
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If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you