y did u give ur computer a hand job?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
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But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
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If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake