I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
