The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
