I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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