So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
