Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
