Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
