Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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