dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
