4 words: hood of his car
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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