Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
