Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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