you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
