He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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