I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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