i may or may not be watching the land before time
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
