I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
