I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
did you just send me my own nude
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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