This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
