Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
