True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
