hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
